Letters to fanboys out there~ hear ye hear ye

Since this is the last GameSpotting, I decided it was my last chance to convey my thoughts on a subject so near and dear to my heart: fanboys. Console and PC fanboys are an interesting breed, and they always bring a unique discourse to our forums. Their well-written and wonderfully articulated posts and emails give them a special place in my heart. I don't believe I've ever addressed them directly before, so this is my chance

Dear Fanboys,

I have a few pieces of advice I want to pass onto you in this GameSpotting. I know that in an age of multiple platforms and a huge amount of games, it can be difficult to remain loyal to one platform or one company. It's a real challenge, and you are all noble and courageous for taking on this quest. I have a few suggestions that I hope you all take to heart. It will help guide you down the path of the fanboy.

GameSpot is the most reliable source for reviews. Except when another publication rates the game you're hyping higher than us. Then that publication is the most reliable source. Until next week, anyway.

A person who owns just one console is inherently less biased than editors at GameSpot who have access to all consoles.

The term "exclusive" is tricky. Its definition changes depending upon whether a hot game appears on your platform or not.

Innovation is what it's called when your console has a unique feature. Otherwise, it's called a gimmick.

Your specific needs are shaped around your platform's features. For instance, if your console doesn't feature HDTV support, then it really wasn't that necessary to have, anyway.

A game that is scored less than a 9.5 on any platform you don't own is called a flop. If it does achieve that score, it's called overrated. (According to the GameSpot rating system, a game rated 8 or above is "great," but we all know that it really means "flop.")

Sales numbers are everything, as long as the numbers are best for your favorite company or console. If that means you have to dig up numbers for sales in New Zealand stores from seven months ago to prove your point, so be it.

Likewise, it is up to you to monitor how companies are doing and report every dip in stock price of manufacturers of other consoles. You're all experts in the fields of economics and finance, so your analyses will always prove correct.

You must realize, that some companies are evil, and some are inherently good. Some companies do it for the money, others do it... so, well, you can brag about them.

Perhaps the most clever thing you as fanboys can do is to come up with derogatory names for competing consoles, such as Xbrick instead of Xbox or FlopStation 2 instead of PlayStation 2.

On message boards, the best way to convey your point is to write in all caps, ignore the rules of grammar, and include lots of "LMAO's" and "LOLs" in your post.

It makes perfect sense to insult a company's lineup one moment and at the same time hope that company will go third party and develop for your console the next.

Playing a game on a different console for ten minutes at a friend's house qualifies you as an expert on that game and console.

You are obviously the most knowledgeable person about hardware. So when you're talking about the difference between CISC and RISC processors, everyone should stop and listen.

A sequel on another console is a "rehash," while a sequel on your console is not; in fact, it's highly anticipated.

Your platform is the best one in existence. Any time you see what might be evidence to the contrary, it's clearly because others are blinded by their idiotic fanboyism.

So you see, dear readers, the best part about being a fanboy is that you can never be proven wrong. As long as you ignore the rules of logic and sensibility, you will never have to worry about whether or not you made a good investment. That sure helps all the insecurity go away, doesn't it?

In the meanwhile, the rest of us will have to go on using our brains to make decisions when it comes to videogames. We will have to actually think about whether or not it's worth it to buy a console based on our needs. We will have to consider forking over more money for a new machine if its games are excellent. We will have to play the best games instead of bash them if they're not on our consoles.

In other words, the rest of us non-fanboys are doomed to a life of playing the best games and enjoying our hobby, while you will have the luxury of being able to ignore the majority of games that come out, because they're not on your console. That is indeed very lucky for you all.

And with that, I must wrap up my letter today. I hope I was able to teach you all a thing or two.

Your Pal,
Adam